Low desire is one of the most common sexual concerns. If truthful, I do believe that everyone can recall a time or period of time that they experienced low sex drive. And it is not just women, men experience it too!
Types of desire
There are two general types of desire. First, one may experience spontaneous desire, where the sexual urge just appears and causes both psychological and physical arousal. This state is generally seen in younger individuals and often diminishes as one enters middle age. Second, absent desire arises as a result of engaging in erotic stimulation. This is common in the younger and older alike.
Most people feel like there is something wrong with their bodies when they do not experience spontaneous desire, but it is more likely that there is nothing physically the matter and the issue is “all in their heads”. In other words, the brain is the largest sex organ, and the brain can be trained.
Common causes of low desire
In the beginning of sexual relationships, the feel-good hormones produced as a result of new connections stimulate even lower-drive individuals to be sexually active, but when the newness fades, drives return to the person’s “normal”. To complicate matters further, one person’s “normal” desire is another’s high or low desire. Research shows that around a quarter of men and women report having uneven desire, with women reporting it a bit more than men.
When your baseline desire has plummeted, it is time to take an objective look at your personal health practices and the health of your relationship. The most common causes of low desire that I see in my practice are:
- Sex becomes work instead of pleasure
- Hormonal changes in the woman’s life cycle, especially postpartum
- Boredom (Surprisingly enough, more so in women)
- Not feeling safe in the relationship (Believe it or not, I see this more in men)
- Performance instead of pleasure orientation
Tips to fix low desire
- Seek medical advice. If you are worried that you are physically unwell, consult with a trusted MD. Find the root of your discomfort and make the necessary changes (more sleep, better food, more fluids, balance hormones, more laughter etc.).
- Strengthen muscles with Kegel exercises. A strong pelvic floor makes orgasms stronger and more intensely pleasurable.
- In order to maximize your ability to experience sexual pleasure, it is important to transition into the parasympathetic state (good for relaxation, digestion, sleep) and out of the sympathetic state (fight or flight… a state found in the fast-paced demands of everyday life). There are many ways to reduce stress such as mediation, yoga, massage etc. A simple exercise to promote relaxation is deep breathing; breathe in for the count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for 8. Relax deeply on the exhale.
- Start thinking about sex! Since our minds are the most powerful stimulants when it comes to sex, make a point to think about sex! Read erotica, watch erotica, send your partner sexy notes, think about who you are as a sexy person…and develop that character…. and think about new things you would like to try (and spend time researching them).
- Take the time to find what feels good and do it…regularly. The longer you go without masturbating, the easier it is not to remember the pleasure. A couple good solo sessions a week trains your brain to expect the experience and will encourage you to want more.
- Make communication safe. If you are having communication issues, seek help to improve communication.
Your sex drive is your own and if you are happy with it, it is your normal. But if you feel that it has decreased and you want to bring it up, have FUN with these suggestions.