The number one relationship issue I see in my practice is poor communication about sex. This seems to hold true even if couples believe that they have great communication in every other area of their lives. It is almost as if couples believe that they can read their partner’s minds. Their narrative is full of assumptions, and you know what ass(out of)u(and)me means….yes, we are asses when it comes to sexual communication.
The whole point of sex is to connect, experience pleasure and have fun! In order to gain consent and to express what you want from the interaction, you must first communicate. Clear communication also helps you set boundaries so that you do not feel violated. This is important for long term and casual sex alike.
But talking about sex can make you feel vulnerable. What if your partner doesn’t want to do this or that? Will they think that you are weird? The question is, how will you know unless you talk about it? Don’t be an ass.
Steps for Better Sexual Communication
- Start talking about sex outside the bedroom (or wherever it is that you have sex).
- First gain permission-Ask if your partner is receptive to talking about sex NOW, and if not now, when? (I suggest to set a time within 24 hours). If this is a hook-up and they don’t want to talk and set guidelines, you might want to walk away from the situation.
- Listen to the talker with the intention of HEARING what they are saying (without your personal twist on the situation). You do not have to agree with what your partner is saying, but it is important that you hear and validate them.
- When the talker feels understood, the listener then has a chance to talk and be heard.
- Negotiate-What works for both of you? What will be most enjoyable? What are you willing to explore? How can you say NO and be sure that you are able to stop at any time?
- Go into the experience on the same team. Partnered sex is not about what someone does to you but what you do together. Sex is about connection, pleasure and fun (whatever that means and however that looks to you). Work together to have the experience that keeps you smiling the rest of the day.
- Keep practicing your communication skills. Talking about sex is not a one-time event. Our bodies and our needs change with time, therefore it is important to keep the conversation going.