When you see the words sex and prevention in the same sentence, I imagine that your thoughts automatically go to STIs (you know, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, HIV) and birth control. I would expect that because our sex education (if it is offered) focuses around evading infections and unwanted pregnancies. While it is true that avoiding undesirable physical issues is prudent, the focus of prevention needs to be expanded.
Society teaches you that when you are with someone, sex will come naturally. The message lacks vital information on communication, connection, or the fact that sex should be fun. Where is the fun in doing something you really don’t want to do, or if you want something and don’t know how to ask for it? Subpar sex is not your fault…how can people know what they are not taught?
After years of working on what is “broken due to lack of maintenance,” I have become passionate about preventive measures. This awareness started when I worked as an oncology nurse. We treated patients after they got cancer, with a treatment that was not only uncomfortable but not 100% effective. If the cancer was too advanced, or the patient gave up, they did not survive. We offered palliative care which allowed them the dignity to die in the most comfortable way. Although I felt I gave the best care possible under the circumstances, I longed for people to bypass this situation. I became interested in positive health practices that promoted wellness and decreased the chances of cancer in the first place.
I have had a déjà vu experience with Sex and Relationship Coaching. In my practice, I see couples that are having issues with uneven desire, little to no sex and general dissatisfaction with their sex lives. Unfortunately, by time they seek help, their situation is grave. They are dissatisfied with more than just sex. There are likely years of pain and rejection, to the point that each partner is so desperate to be heard, they cannot hear. Their condition is often so advanced that their relationships may not survive (in which case, the goal is to end the relationship in the most compassionate way possible). In both the cancer and unsatisfying relationship cases, the people most likely to succeed are those who have a strong will to survive and commitment to change what is not working. This includes not only addressing the physical, but also the mind and spiritual issues.
Once again, I have turned to the logic of preventing the disharmony in the first place. We must be taught how to communicate, for this is how we express what we want and are able to hear what our partner wants. Good communication skills also allow us to set healthy boundaries. We must learn how to connect, not just perform. We must learn to not only tolerate but to relish pleasure…to add joy and fun to our existence.
If we all learn this early on, and acknowledge that preventive health is on-going and not a one-time event, we would live more blissful lives. Relationships take work. Enjoyable sex takes work. Are you up to the challenge? Stay tuned for informative posts, sure to help.