Age Gap Relationship Research
(A chapter from my 2015 Dissertation: Older Women/Younger Men Heterosexual Age Gap Relationships: Implications for Sexual Wellness in Baby Boomer Women)
An age gap relationship is defined as a relationship in which there is a difference of 10 years or more in age between partners. Ten years has been identified to be the maximal gap in years that the general population deems acceptable (Kenrick & Keefe, 1992). Other terms that have been used interchangeably for this type of relationship are “age discrepant,” “age variant,” “age heterogamous,” “September/May,” “December/ May” and “cougar”.
Older women/younger men age gap relationships have gained attention in the media, but there are limited relevant peer reviewed research studies, which entices society to accept the sensationalized film and media reports of high profile public figures as valid definitions of this type of relationship. The majority of the actual research examines older men/younger women relationships, as their prevalence is greater than older women/younger men relationships (US Census Bureau, 1999) and also because they have been considered more socially normative. According to the Census Bureau statistics, which evaluate marriages, nearly 10% of the people in the United States are involved in marriages with an age gap of 10 years or more in either direction. In 7.2 % of the population the husband is 10 or more years older, compared to 1.3% consisting of the wife being older. The majority of relationships (32.4%) are considered homogamous with one year or less difference in age, followed by 22.1% of husbands being the older partner by 2-3 years. In comparison, relationships comprised of the wife being 2-3 years older decreases to 5.9%.
Studies from the late 1980s through 1990s suggested that, in general, women prefer older men, that men prefer younger women, and that both groups desire an age gap of less than 4 years (Buss, 1989; Kenrick & Keefe, 1992; Kenrick, et al, 1996). More current studies suggest that the older the man is at the time of marriage, the younger the woman will be, with an increasingly larger age gap after the first marriage; in older women, it appears normative to prefer a smaller age gap, especially after the first marriage (Ni Bhrolchain, 2006). A recent Del Webb survey supports this trend, finding “far more men surveyed said they would like to date a younger woman (63%) than women surveyed said they would like to date a younger man (22%). And while 53% of single women over 50 said they’d like to date someone their own age, only 33% of single men in the same age group said the same thing. The desire to date a younger woman only grew with age for the men surveyed” (D’oh, 2013).
Yet according to the 2003 AARP study (Montenegro, 2003), almost 20% of women age 40-69 had recently dated a man at least 5 years younger, demonstrating a possible, though minor, change in this normative trend. Among other studies that indicate a rise in older women/younger men age gap relationships is a New Zealand study that followed marriage statistics between the years 1986 and 2006. It grouped couples in their 40s, 50s and 60s. In their 40s, only 1 % of couples had an age gap of 10 years or more, but there was a 2% increase in the number of 5 year age gap relationships during this time period. For those in their 50s, there was a 2.8% increase in 5 year age gap and a 0.4% increase in 10 year age gaps relationships. Finally, there was a 1.4% increase in 5 year age gap and a 0.7% increase in the10 year age gap relationships for those in their 60s (Zoe & Callister, 2010).
The age of women upon entering relationships has been found to influence their likelihood to be in older women/younger men age gap relationships. Supporting this idea are studies showing that women in second marriages are 7 times more likely to marry younger men (Shehan et al., 1991) and that women ages 35 to 50 more open to nontraditional relationships and more apt to have younger partners (Levesque & Caron, 2004). In addition, women who wait until middle age to marry are more likely to marry younger men (Bytheway, 1981).
Zoe & Callister 2010 suggest that, while their study demonstrates a small increase in older women/younger men age gap relationships, the media have exaggerated the extent of the “cougar” phenomenon. They surmise that the reason for relationship age variability is that as life expectancy increases, individuals are apt to have more relationship partners, and whom they choose in one phase of life will be different than in other phases.
Theories and perspectives abound postulating why older men/younger women relationships are more common. Two of the more prevalent include the evolutionary and social role perspectives. First, the evolutionary perspective posits that throughout history men and women have evolved their preferences for potential mates. It suggests that men have been providers of resources that promote security during child rearing, and this ability only increases as they age. Also, since men remain fertile into later years, at a time when they have their greatest resources, they can best provide for younger childbearing women of limited reproductive years. Due to these stipulations, a man at any age will evolve to be most attracted to women in their prime childbearing years, which occurs in their 20’s. Consequently, young women will evolve a preference for older men for their ability to provide the best resource security while they are raising children (Buss, 1989; Cupach & Spitzberg, 2011; Kenrick & Keefe, 1992). Second, the social role perspective supports the traditional roles of women as homemakers and men as providers. This division of labor encourages women to seek a successful male wage earner. Since men’s wages increase with age, this would support women seeking older men/younger women relationships (Cupach & Spitzberg, 2011).
These theories can be considered antiquated since the Baby Boomer era changed this mindset by fighting for female empowerment and equality, altering patriarchal dynamics, and rendering women more self-sufficient. As Boomer women age, they are generally more established and financially secure, which, according to research findings, results in greater equality and stronger relationship commitment in older women/younger men relationships (Cupach & Spritzber, 2011;Walster, Walster & Berscheid, 1978). This is a change from earlier research findings, wherein a woman making more money was considered detrimental to the relationship (Seskin & Siegle, 1979).
A final characteristic common of women in older women/younger men relationship is that they are more educated (Bytheway, 1981; Shenan, 1991; Zoe & Callister, 2010). Being more educated is another factor that promotes greater equality between men and women.
Younger men not immersed in the patriarchal belief that the man must be the primary provider are more likely to consider older female partners: “Age-gap relationships may be largely a function of the degree to which they subscribe to traditional gender role beliefs” (Cupach & Spitzber, 2011). Born between the years of 1965-1980, Generation X males are in the age category of those most likely to be the younger men in these relationships. Due to their childhood exposure to high divorce and remarriage rates they have been exposed to single parent and blended families. They have also witnessed progress towards gender and race equality. Because of these experiences, they are seen as more accepting of diverse family and relationship dynamics (US, n.d., Wiethoff, 2004).
Caron found that the men in her study were attracted to the older women because of the age difference and that they embraced going against traditional male roles of breadwinner/dominance. They liked their older women’s “maturity and life experience and established career” (Caron, 2006). When it comes to age gap relationships in general, women face the most stigma; they are regarded as either “cougars” or “gold diggers,” implying that they are looking for either sex or money (Cupach & Spitzber, 2011). While both the younger and the older women are concerned about society’s opposition to their relationships (Lehmiller & Agnew, 2008), the women involved in older women/younger men relationships are more concerned with society’s emphasis on aging and physical appearance (Caron, 2006; Seskin & Siegler, 1979). Although older women do not want to be perceived as noticeably older, in everyday life the age difference is not personally notable (Caron 2006). Ultimately, the external factor that most influences the romantic commitment in age gap relationships is not the age itself, but the response and acceptance of their relationship by their peer group (Etcheverry & Agnew, 2004; Lehmiller & Agnew, 2006, 2007, 2008).
Older women/younger men age gap couples have been found to experience social disapproval greater than those involved in gay or interracial relationships (Lehmiller & Agnew, 2006). Yet, this disapproval can also have a positive impact on the relationship. In fact, socially marginalized relationships have been found to have higher levels of commitment (Lehmiller & Agnew, 2006) and have shown that “woman older [partners] reported the highest levels of romantic satisfaction and commitment relative to woman younger and similarly aged partners” (Lehmiller & Agnew, 2008). These positive outcomes are due to the assumption that highly stigmatized relationships present more social risks; therefore these couples have to experience a very a favorable cost-to-benefit ratio before deciding to continue their relationship (Lehmiller & Agnew, 2008).
In conclusion, contrary to media/film suggestions, older women/younger men relationships are not destined to end prematurely. As long as partners’ needs are being met, there is no significant difference in marriage failure between heterogamous and homogamous marriages (Vera et al., 1985). In their landmark study, using registered marriages and divorces between 1963 and 2005, Wilson and Smallwood concluded that “despite any popular belief to the contrary, there does not appear to be any strong association between marital age difference and probability of divorces” (Wilson & Smallwood, 2008).