8 Last Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts that Money Can’t Buy

Lovers shadow

8 Last Minute Valentines Gifts that Money Can’t Buy

Valentines’ day brings visions of red roses, red hearts, diamonds and chocolate. But as the Beatles sang “money can’t buy me love”, so you can show your beloved they are adored by giving one of these 8 suggestions.

1) Give the gift of being heard. Everyone wants to be heard, but fewer know how to listen. When your beloved speaks, stop, listen and be silent until they are done.  When they are finished speaking, let them know you heard them by paraphrasing back what you understood them to say.

2) Be present. Put away the cell phone, computers, ipads and kindles. Take the time to really look at your partner. Let them know what you see and what you love about it.

3) Eye contact.  Look into each other’s eyes. Eye gazing has been shown to produce oxytocin, which is a hormone that encourages bonding.

4) Hug for an extended period of time. This is also a strong oxytocin producer.

5) Kiss. Take the time to truly explore each other’s lips. Experiment with light to intense pressures.

6) Laugh together. Studies show that couples who laugh together have stronger relationships.

7) Write a love letter. Tell him/her what you love about them, best memories, and how you first met. Tell these heartfelt words as if it is your last day together and these are the important things you want your partner to know.

8) Get to know what she/he likes physically. Take turns exploring, massaging and stroking each other’s body. Be honest in what feels best, good or bad. Be open to giving what your partner loves best and also to receiving this gift.

In doing the above, you will prove that you are truly there for your partner.  Rumi said it well in the following poem:

I want to see you.
Know your voice.
Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.
Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.
Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.
Become familiar with the way

 you purse your lips

then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.
I want to know the joy
of how you whisper

Women and Porn

Women and Porn

Women and Porn

One comment I am hearing a lot lately is “I think there should be some information about the myth that only men watch porn.”

So true!  This actually is a myth.  While studies vary by location and what they are looking at, they all show that women also watch porn.

One US study showed that 30% of women and 70% of men admit to watching porn.

Another American study showed that 17% of American women admit to watching internet porn. One in every 4 dollars spent on porn are by women.

A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior showed that 45% of couples view porn together and it improves their relationship

And in France, studies show that 62% of French women watch porn.

While both men and women find pornography stimulating, studies show that they focus on different features.  One study found that heterosexual men focus most on the woman’s face, then on the genitals.  Naturally cycling women (not on hormonal birth control) look most at the genitals and the woman’s body, and less on the faces.  Women on hormonal birth control are looking more at the “contextual features of the situation” (i.e. clothing, environment), some on the face and body and least on the genitals.

And for those women who despise porn because they feel that it contributes to violence against women, studies show that while porn consumption has dramatically increased in the past 2 decades, the incidence and frequency of rape has decreased.

In sex coaching, I have found that couples watching porn together can be a positive activity that adds spice to their sex life.

Low Libido Blues


Low Libido Blues


One of the most distressing complaints I hear from my female clients is that they experience low libido.

Women tell me “I used to love sex, and now I don’t even want to want to have sex!”

Here is a question I’ve heard a lot: why don’t I want to have sex anymore when my baby is little/nursing? Even though it has been a year or more I still don’t want to have sex. My partner is getting frustrated.

The main answer to this question is YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Estrogen levels are greatly elevated to maintain the pregnancy. After childbirth, estrogen drops dramatically. Since estrogen is thought to be responsible for contributing to feeling sexual, low levels correspond with low sex drive.  Prolactin levels increase in the breastfeeding woman, which further diminish the sex drive.  Oxytocin, which helps the milk “let down” (and  a hormone associated with orgasm), is also the hormone of attachment.  Women can feel completely contented bonding so fully with their infant that their need to attach to their partner becomes history. Top that off with sleep deprivation, fear of pain and fear of another pregnancy, you have a potent anti-sex cocktail!

Postpartum does not have to be the demise of intimacy though.  Your brain is actually your major sex organ.  What you think about becomes your reality so think as if you are sexual

Don’t wait until you are in the mood for sex.  At this stage of your life, arousal more frequently happens after stimulation instead of before.  Schedule time for sex with your partner.

Focus on pleasurable sensations. Remove expectations and just  enjoy the journey of your sexual encounter.

Gaze into your partner’s eyes.  Spend time giving and receiving sensual massage.  Use you scheduled sex time to reconnect. These actions, along with orgasm, help increase oxytocin.  Now this hormone of attachment can be directed towards bonding with your partner again.

Be prepared with birth control.

Have personal lubricant on hand.  The same hormones that kill your sex drive also keep you dry.

Even if it takes time to feel sexual, your partner will appreciate the effort and attention.




Sex and Laughter

Sex and Laughter……Jest for the Health of it

Sex and Laughter

Sex and laughter are two of life’s most pleasurable acts, so it should come to no surprise that they have health benefits that are quite similar.
Common benefits of sex and laughter:
1.    It feels good!
2.    Burns Calories.  10-15 minutes of hardy laughter can burn 10-40 calories, depending on a person’s body weight, which could result in 4.4 lbs lost in a year.  According to one study, partner sex doubles your results, burning approx 70 calories in 15 minutes.
3.    Decreases stress therefore reducing cortisol levels in the body.  Cortisol is needed to activate the flight of fight response, which increases heart rate, blood pressure, blood glucose, decreases immunity, slows the GI tract and reduces blood to periphery.  Sustained stress causes high blood pressure, diabetes, poor circulation, makes one more susceptible to sickness and GI distress. By decreasing cortisol, laughter and sex can

A)  Decrease blood pressure

B) Boost immunity

C) Lower glucose levels

D) Regulate GI system

E) Results in relaxation
4.    Improves circulation. Both increase heart rate due to physical exertion.
5.    Increases dopamine and endorphins which produce a natural high and decreases pain perception.
6.    Promotes improved interpersonal relationships. Besides the feel good hormones making you more receptive to being amiable, eye contact and touching can stimulate oxytocin production which promotes bonding.
7.    Activates right side of brain to promote creativity and problem solving.
8.    Makes one look and feel younger.
9.    Orgasm and uncontrollable laughter light up the same areas of the brain as meditation.
10.    They put you in the present moment, which helps relieve worry and anxiety over past or future events.

Reasons to do both
1.    You receive great health benefits for free
2.    You can do alone, with a partner or with as many people as you chose
3.    You don’t have to speak the same language to engage in these activities.  Sex and Laughter are both universal.
4.    There are toys that help you with both


1.    Excessive laughter can lead to decreased erection
2.    Be safe.  Use protection as indicated

Thoughts to ponder:  Studies show that simulated laughter or orgasm leads to the real thing so      ….”Fake it til you make it!”

Double the benefits by smiling through sex.  Have fun!